Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
