My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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