In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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