Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
