You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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