i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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