Will you blow on my dice?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
