why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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