I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
