she woke up with a sticky ear
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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