allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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