Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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