Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
