I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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