My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
