I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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