I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
