He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
