I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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