3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
