final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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