my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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