Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
