the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
there is glitter all over my balls
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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