The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
