I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
