is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
