Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
