Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
