Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
