Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
