dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
