Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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