I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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