i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
