Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
