Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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