What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
