My underwear smells like fireworks.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
