Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
