There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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