I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
