I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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