I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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