My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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