let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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