if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just pynch a tree in the face
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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