I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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