Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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