i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
