my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
