Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
That was before I lit my hair on fire
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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