New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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